Episode Description:
Welcome back to What If? For Authors! In this thought-provoking episode, Claire dives into a topic that resonates deeply with many authors: the fear of losing control when juggling life's many responsibilities. Fresh off a much-needed vacation, Claire reflects on the importance of stepping back, questioning the pressures we put on ourselves, and identifying patterns that lead to unnecessary stress.
She explores why we take on so much responsibility, how our desire for control drives this behavior, and the toll it takes on our mental and physical well-being. Through relatable anecdotes, actionable insights, and a compassionate approach, Claire challenges listeners to reconsider what they're truly responsible for and where they can let go.
What You'll Learn in This Episode:
Why many authors fall into the trap of being "responsibility addicts"
How taking responsibility can create a false sense of control over unpredictable outcomes
The impact of excessive responsibility on your mental and physical health
How perfectionism and over-commitment often mask deeper fears
Practical strategies to identify and release unnecessary responsibilities
Why focusing on what you can control—your thoughts, feelings, and actions—leads to freedom and meaningful influence
Key Takeaways:
Let go of the reins: You’re not holding as much together as you think, and that’s liberating.
Challenge your thoughts: Not every thought you have is a fact. Question the stories your brain tells you.
Spot the lies: If you're taking on tasks for a sense of control rather than measurable results, it might be time to reassess.
Focus on influence, not control: Shift your attention inward to the things you can control, like your mindset and actions, and let the ripple effects unfold naturally.
Embrace imperfection: Perfectionism is an anxiety response, not a badge of honor. Free yourself from its grip.
Support the Show: If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review on your favorite podcast platform and share it with your fellow authors.
Join the Conversation:
Share your thoughts and questions by reaching out to Claire at contact@ffs.media.
Happy Writing!
TRANSCRIPT:
Claire: [00:00:00] Welcome back to another episode of What If for Authors. I'm glad you're here. My name's Claire Taylor and I'm an Enneagram certified coach for authors as well as a humor and mystery writer. You can check out my latest book for authors, Sustain Your Author Career, by going to ffs.media/sustain.
I have been on a recording hiatus for the past five weeks while I took December off and then I went on vacation just to relax. What? Yeah, I went on vacation just to relax for like the first time in eight years. And then I gave myself like a week to transition back to work for the new year and here I am.
So yes, I banked a lot of episodes time, which was a lot of work. I was glad to have some time off to just, I don't know, be a blob. I guess you could just say be a person. Um, it felt blobbish by comparison to my usual, uh, state. But [00:01:00] it was nice. John and I went to Cozumel for a week and I did nothing but eat, read, lay in the sun, get like nine hours of sleep a night.
Not to brag, but I did vacation pretty hard. Um, I wish I could say I was a new woman, but I'm mostly the same as before. Just with a nice memory of the ocean to tap into when I need it. And I'm like strangely tan for January. So that's, that's kind of fun. Anyway, I'm back at it this year in full force. I've got my Kanban board set for Q1.
My Google calendars filling up. I've got big plans for books I want to write and new ways to support authors. It's all very exciting. And if you're wondering, yes, I do occasionally have the thought drift into my head of, what the fuck are you doing, Claire? Do you see how much you're trying to accomplish?
This thought, when it would. Drop by used to stress me out because it would cause me to pause and look at everything I had planned all at once Creating this time [00:02:00] collapse where I felt like I needed to work on all the things right now And then I would start wondering How the hell I was going to keep it all together, you know?
Claire, what do you think in here? The center will not hold. If my fear had a catchphrase, it would be that. The center will not hold. I know a lot of other authors have this tendency I'm describing too. We pack our calendars pretty full with work, family, friends, health upkeep. Courses, so forth. And before we know it, everything is moving like a freight train.
But you're not necessarily sure that you can keep it on the track.
I will say that after doing quite a bit of work around this anxiety myself, when the thought of, how are you going to keep all this going, floats into my awareness now, I usually laugh it off and shrug. I mean, we'll see, right? Maybe I will, maybe I won't. In the end, what I've learned is it doesn't really matter either way, but [00:03:00] let's back up, let's address this question together with today's episode topic of what if I can't hold it all together? My hope is that by the end you'll have some new tools to use against this fear, this creeping suspicion that everything will spin out of control, the center will not hold, the train will jump the track if you so much as sneeze at the wrong time, and on and on.
Some of us, and I include myself in this because this is definitely a pattern, I have to keep an eye on, but some of us are responsibility addicts. Sit with that idea for a second and ask yourself if it feels even a little bit true about you. Why would anyone want to be a responsibility addict? What is the payoff there?
There are a few reasons I see over and over again when working with authors. So first and foremost, taking responsibility for things implies you have control. in a [00:04:00] situation. You cannot be responsible for things outside of your control, right? When a hurricane hits, you don't feel responsible for it happening because you don't have control over it, and that feels very obvious to most of us.
Now, caveat here, because if you were raised in or still involved with a spiritual or religious community that believes God punishes the masses for your piddly little sins, then Then you may very well feel responsible for a hurricane hitting your community if you were, say, doing something the community considers wrong, right?
Your brain may say, that doesn't make sense, but your heart and body may have been trained to feel guilt about it. So it's a superstitious and nebulous form of control. And noticing when it kicks up will start to help you feel better. Let go of that, right? Believing God is punishing you by killing other people with natural disasters and freak accidents is also, you know, a form of narcissism that you might want to consider releasing.
So that caveat aside, [00:05:00] we feel responsible for things that we. believe we have control over. Ergo, feeling responsible for things is a way to feel a sense of control. If I am responsible for the way another person acts, that's admitting that I believe I have control over their actions. If I feel responsible for writing and publishing five books this year, that's admitting that I believe I have control over whether I can write and publish five books this year.
The truth is that we very often do not have as much control over the things we take responsibility for as we'd like to believe. But acknowledging how little control we have over the external world is what some might call scary shit. And so many of us choose to pretend we have more control than we do.
And we do that through taking excess responsibility.
This coping strategy that helps us avoid the [00:06:00] scariness of how little control we actually have in this world quickly gets us into quite a bind, doesn't it? It seems like a solid strategy until we feel responsible for too many things and then start to feel like everything will fall apart if we, like, oversleep by an hour.
That's not a good feeling to have, and I know that a lot of people feel it. The coping strategy of taking responsibility where we have little or no control eventually leads to incredibly high levels of stress that our bodies just aren't equipped to deal with over the long run. Things start to break down.
We start to have health problems. We start to have mental health problems, physical health problems, all kinds of things start to break down. So when I talk about patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.
This pattern of taking responsibility. to try and feel in control. If you're listening to this [00:07:00] and going, oh shit, this is a thing I do, then I actually have great news for you. Spotting that it's a thing you do is the biggest step to beginning to let it go. Our brains tell us all kinds of pretty and convincing lies, like telling us, you know, We're responsible for holding everything together in our business and household.
Now why would my brain tell me that? Because it gives you a sense of control and we take that lie as fact, don't question it and wonder why we're stressed out all the time. So we want to root it out. We want to root out the lie. When you hear that voice telling you that you're falling down on responsibilities or that everything is your fault.
You have to question that. You have to pause and ask yourself, is this just a misguided attempt to feel in control? Don't let those stressful or negative thoughts go unchallenged. They're just thoughts. They're not truth. And I think that's a big thing [00:08:00] that many people still have ahead of them in their learning curve.
is that just because you have a thought doesn't mean that you have to believe it. A lot of these thoughts pop up and they're these defense mechanisms like I described. It's just trying to give you a sense of control and it's doing it in a very unhealthy way. Because here's the real mindfuck. You are undoubtedly attempting to control things that don't respond to your attempts at control.
Therefore, letting them go will change nothing.
Imagine your friend brings out a big block of ice when it's 70 degrees outside. They set the block of ice on the sidewalk and claim, Look at this. If I focus all my attention on this block of ice, it will melt. Your first thought might be, Doesn't this guy know the ice will melt whether he focuses his attention on it or not?
It's much easier [00:09:00] to spot where other people are taking responsibility for things that they aren't responsible for than it is for us to spot it in ourselves. Just as your friend is confusing correlation with causation, believing that it's his attention on the ice block that's melting it rather than, you know, the heat from the sun, We do that all the time in our lives.
The most common place this shows up is when we take responsibility for other people's actions. If you want to start spotting where you can loosen your grip on things you don't actually control, might as well start there. Where are you believing that if you just do and say the right things, you'll control another person's actions?
If you notice that that's happening a lot, insert therapist here. Right? This is a big thing to tackle. But starting to notice that you're doing it, and you may already know this, but it, you may notice it's in somewhere new, that, that is a huge first step because many, many people live their whole lives without [00:10:00] realizing that they're falling into that faulty belief.
Maybe you think that if you just keep the house clean enough, your spouse will give you the kind of attention you crave or you complete all 50 tasks for your boss on time and they'll stop being a dickhead to you. Is it possible that you don't have the control of the situation that your mind is trying to convince you of?
Just asking that question can turn up a lot of really interesting new thoughts. Now when we look at our author business, this pattern of taking responsibility where we don't have control shows up in a number of ways. Posting to social media frequently when there are no signs that it's moving the needle for your sales, either in the long run or short run.
Emailing readers frequently when doing it less frequently would have the same results. Filing all your taxes without help. Keeping any kind of publishing schedule when you don't know [00:11:00] that it's effective. Running ads on multiple platforms without knowing which one is actually selling your books. Joining an anthology without knowing whether it will move your other books.
And the list goes on. If you're doing these things without data, chances are you're doing them to feel better. In control.
Now, I'm not telling you not to experiment with new marketing ideas, right? You have to get that initial data. But if you're sticking with one for a while without clear data indicating that it's working, you might be taking on added responsibility of that task simply to feel like you have control over your sales.
Now, I might get some flack for saying this, but we have a lot less control over how many books we sell than most people who are selling a lot of books would ever want to admit.
No, that's not to say we don't have [00:12:00] any way of influencing our book sales, only that we do a lot of useless shit to increase our sense that the number of books we sell is totally within our control.
You can understand why it would be unflattering to the ego to admit that if you're selling a shit ton of books, it's not a hundred percent out of you being smart and the efforts that you've made. And I'm certainly not trying to take away from the efforts of authors who are selling six and seven figures each year.
I work with a lot of those authors and they're savvy, they're work ethic, the individual gifts they have certainly influence the results they're getting. Absolutely. But even they take responsibility for things that they're not responsible for in an attempt to feel less out of control in this world. We all do it to some degree.
It's important to remember that we have a limited amount of attention to give to the world and to ourselves. [00:13:00] So when we take on too much responsibility, Much of it done out of a need to feel in control. We inevitably end up abdicating responsibility in places where we do have influence. So some things you are responsible for are how you treat other people. The boundaries you hold for yourself, whether you act within your integrity, if you're giving yourself enough time to think and feel, what food you put in your body, if you're taking your medications when you're supposed to, if you're practicing peacefulness, how you talk to yourself.
Many times, We avoid pumping the brakes on all the external things we're taking responsibility for so that we can continue to avoid taking responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and actions we do have control over. How many times have we observed ourselves or [00:14:00] others say they don't have time to eat healthy because they're too busy?
Frequently, what too busy really means is that their attention is fractured in a bunch of different directions, trying to control things that they have no control over.
That's often a more enjoyable distraction than what happens when we pump the brakes and are forced to look at how much we've abdicated responsibility for our inner world and how much there is to be addressed as a result.
It's frequently for these same reasons that we don't hand off tasks to other people when we have the funds to do so. The belief of, I can do better than they can is very frequently one of the lies our brain tells us to validate our continued attempts at control through responsibility.
I'm telling you this right now, a professional can do it just as good as you can. Probably better. It's time to stop letting the thought that you can do something better than everyone else go unquestioned. in your [00:15:00] mind. So things like perfectionism, mm mm. Perfectionism is an attempt at control. . It's a response to anxiety. And when we get anxious, we try to control things. So perfectionism is an attempt at control. While it's applauded in some areas, make no mistake that your ego is run amok when perfectionism gets going.
Why would anyone even think that they are the one that knows what perfection looks like, right? It's a game we can't win. So take it from one perfectionist to another. If you are a perfectionist, consider giving up the game rather than continuing to play and lose all your money.
Okay, so now that we're all warmed up, I'll tell you something a little harsh to consider if you feel like you can't hold it all together anymore. All right, are you ready? You're not as central to the functioning of the [00:16:00] universe as your ego wants you to believe you are. I don't say this to be rude. But rather because at the heart of this idea is a wealth of liberation.
There are things you do control, internal things like your thoughts, feelings, and your actions. And the way you choose to interact with your thoughts, feelings, and actions does hold influence. over the external world. If you show up for your friend in their time of need, they may be influenced to do the same for you.
But if you're showing up for them out of a sense of trying to control the future, looking for a guarantee that they will show up for you when you need them, then you've lost the plot.
The idea that we have influence over the external world, but not control, is important. Our lack of responsibility for and control of the external world is what allows us to one day die without the entire universe collapsing. [00:17:00] And our ability to influence others through the way we choose to think, feel, and act is what allows us to live on through those we leave behind.
There's a great freedom in discovering how little control we have over how things transpire in the world around us. And it's especially clear when we zoom out even just a little bit. Having that perspective allows us professional white knucklers to hopefully take a deep breath And not only unclench our fists, but open our palms up wide.
Let the reins go. You weren't controlling that horse anyway. Instead, turn your attention inward to where you do have responsibility. You'll see the fruits of that work through the influence you have on others. You can still change the world around you in positive ways, my reformer self would never tell you not to do that, but none of us get to dictate how our influence [00:18:00] manifests externally.
Don't get to know that ahead of time. And we don't control it. What I do know is that everyone who made a positive impact on the world, big or small, did so through that important inner work that shined through them, not through successfully controlling the external world around them.
Influence shines from the inside out, and it's a process of internal liberation. The good news is It's available to all of us. The bad news is that you don't control the external results. But that's also the good news too, because it means you're not responsible for anything but how you move through the world.
And even then, you get to make mistakes and be human. So if you're wondering, what if I can't hold it all together? Then I encourage you to stop pretending that you're holding all that much together in the first place, right? Start looking at all the things you're expecting yourself to do in the day. How many of them [00:19:00] might be on your list simply to give you a sense of control over the external world?
How many can wait without anything catastrophic happening? Where are you taking responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others that you can practice letting go of? Where have you resisted handing off the responsibility to someone else because keeping it gives you a sense of control in an unpredictable world?
Where might you be using responsibility for external things as a way of avoiding the hard work of looking internally at what you do have control over?
I know some of this feels like a gut punch, but I do say all of this out of a sense of deep compassion for you. I know how hard it is to feel responsible for too many things. It's what I would call unnecessary suffering, and I don't wish that for you, me, or anyone.
I know that most of you listening to this right now are also trying to knock out some other responsibility you feel you have, [00:20:00] no matter how swamped you feel right now. You have a moment to pause and take a deep breath. Bring your attention to your breath. There it is. There you are. Existing. Simply pausing, breathing, existing.
And look, a meteor has not hit the earth as a result of you pausing and simply existing. You haven't bankrupted your entire family as a result. Way to go. Nobody is mad at you as a result of that. And if they are, that's not your responsibility to change anyway. One of the lines I like to repeat to myself, to help bring home all of these things I've shared in this episode is this. Nothing is required of me in this moment. Now that statement holds true in virtually every single point along my timeline.
The same will be true for you. At most points in your timeline, [00:21:00] Nothing is required of you in that exact moment. It's up to us how frequently we want to pause and connect with that liberating truth and feel the stress of trying to control the uncontrollable temporarily melt away.
It's okay if you can't hold it all together because you were never made to and it's not required of you. Let some things go. Take a pause as frequently as you want throughout your day to bring your attention to your breath. Where do you feel it in your body? No need to control it, change the speed, or change anything about it.
Just bring your attention to it. You may notice that your breaths are becoming deeper or slower or located deeper in your belly than in your chest. Whatever it is, just let it be that. And then repeat to nobody but yourself. Nothing is required of me in this moment. The more you can connect to that truth, the easier you'll find it to let go of all those responsibilities you've taken on just to trick [00:22:00] yourself into feeling like you have control where you don't.
Over time, you'll feel less and less of an impulse to hold it all together because you'll start to see how well the universe holds itself together and that you weren't doing an effective job of holding it all together to begin with. You were doing a really good job of pretending you were, though, so.
That's it for this episode. I'm Claire Taylor. Thanks for joining me, and I hope you'll come back for the next episode of What If for Authors. Happy writing!