Episode Description:
In this episode of "What If? For Authors," Claire Taylor tackles the anxiety-inducing topic of not being liked. Drawing from her experience as an Enneagram coach and her own author journey, Claire explores the fear of rejection and how it affects different Enneagram types. Whether you're just starting out or are an established author, this episode provides a compassionate and realistic approach to managing your expectations and emotions regarding others' opinions.
Key Takeaways:
Fear of Rejection: Understand that the fear of not being liked can be amplified once you start publishing, but this amplification can also be an opportunity for growth.
Perfectionism and Approval: Learn how perfectionism, especially from an Enneagram One perspective, can impact your need for approval and how to address it.
Different Enneagram Types: Explore how various Enneagram types experience the fear of not being liked and how it impacts their writing.
Responsibility for Feelings: Recognize that how others feel about you is their responsibility, not yours, and take ownership of your feelings about others.
Focusing on Supporters: Redirect your attention from critics to supporters to build a stronger connection with those who already like you.
Parental Expectations: Address the influence of parental approval on your creative decisions and the importance of disappointing them to stay true to yourself.
Internal Liberation: Embrace the clarity and freedom that comes from accepting that disappointing others might be part of your path toward fulfilling your purpose.
Why Listen? If you find yourself struggling with the fear of not being liked or are overwhelmed by criticism, this episode offers a thoughtful and empathetic perspective. This episode is a must-listen for any author seeking to balance the desire for approval with staying true to their creative vision.
Join the Conversation: Have a question or fear you'd like me to explore? Reach out to me at contact@ffs.media.
Access the transcript for this episode here.
Happy Writing!
TRANSCRIPT:
Claire: [00:00:00] Welcome back to another episode of What If for Authors. I'm so glad you're here. My name's Claire Taylor. I'm an Enneagram certified coach for authors as well as a humor and mystery writer. You can check out my latest book, Sustain Your Author Career on basically any online retailer by going to books2read.com/syac for Sustain Your Author Career. Okay. So today we're going to address a question that's near and dear to my heart because it's one that I've had to do a lot of work around. I'm pleased to report back from the other side that the work is worth it. And actually you can pay me enough to go back to the way things were. So I have a lot of compassion for people who haven't tackled this one yet, but also there's so much hope ahead of you, it's wild. Today's question is one that I hear a lot in various forms from authors, but always it boils down to, what if people don't like me?
The number of [00:01:00] opportunities for fellow authors and readers to not like you is many when you start publishing books. You're subjecting yourself to the opinion of the general public, and they're allowed to review your books. Like, just anyone can do it. They can post a review to Amazon, blog about your books, shit talk them on social media, and it's not just authors making things up when they say, you know, When people hate my book, it feels like they hate me.
That's not all in your head. A lot of the public doesn't differentiate between the book and the authors. Which I think is absolutely silly, but my belief on that doesn't change the reality.
All this to say that, yeah, the fear of people not liking you can be amplified. Once you start publishing books, you know what though? I love when a situation amplifies an existing fear because that means we can't pretend it's not there anymore. That question of what if people don't like me, it can hide in the back of our minds for our whole lives without becoming big enough for us to have to [00:02:00] like, you know, roll up our sleeves and bow up to it. So any situation or opportunity that pokes at one of those sore spots until it kind of swells up so big, we can't ignore it. I think that's fantastic. I love those. It's not fun in the moment. Don't expect it to be fun. I don't want to glamorize this, but it gives us a really great opportunity for moving forward.
I think it calls us to look at it, you know, head on. And then we have to start asking questions that may lead us to overcoming the fear. Yeah. It's scary in the moment to face the fear, but we can always find support in our friends or mentors or even coaches and therapists, and then we can make it like a team effort and that's so much easier.
So today I'm on your team here. So let's look at this big, scary thing together.
My fear of people not liking me led me to do some really crazy things. Coming from the perspective of the Enneagram One, the reformer, My thought was that if I was simply [00:03:00] perfect, no biggie, then people would have to like me, like checkmate. I'm perfect. Now you must like me. And if they didn't like me at that point. I could presumably conclude that it wasn't about me.
They were just jealous or something, which was about them. So perfectionism was my armor for this fear. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get perfect enough for this plan to actually work. When people didn't like me, I could still see so many of my flaws. So I assumed that they were actually right to not like me.
Cause I was like, yeah, I see why you wouldn't like me. So this followed me around big time in high school and college. Want to know why I graduated with a 4. 0 GPA? It wasn't because I was enthusiastic about all my courses. It was the perfectionism. When I see someone who got all A's in high school or college now, I'm less impressed and more empathetic.
I never put to words [00:04:00] at the time why I was working so hard to be perfect, mind you. It was all subconscious for me back then. What I lost touch with is what's called the holy idea for my type. Which is holy perfection. This is an Enneagram thing, of course. So, holy perfection is essentially the deep knowledge That I am already perfect.
I can make mistakes and still be perfect in my essence or my soul. So we know this instinctively. We know that babies are born this way, right? , you have to have some real, real issues to look at a baby and be like, I have some notes. , so we feel it instinctively about babies, but then we lose touch with it in ourselves as we grow up.
Life just kind of like knocks us around a bit and then we have to arm her up. And we arm her up with things like perfectionism. Being totally transparent, I don't connect with the holy idea of holy perfection all of the time. Alright, I still like fixing things according to my flawed and limited idea of what needs to be, you know, [00:05:00] fixed. But I feel like I'm doing just fine more often, and I don't need to improve a lot of things about me.
So I'm feeling that more frequently than ever. I feel it most of the time, actually. The moment feels absolutely perfect. Right? Even if shitty things are happening, the moment can still be perfect. So I've learned to accept that just because I may have some notes on how things are done or how things aren't done the right way.
That doesn't mean that there isn't an order and perfect logic to everything going on that I just don't see.
And of course, this is from the perspective of the one. There are, there are other types who worry about if people don't like them and it's just for completely different reasons. So probably the types I work with who struggle with this the most are ones. Twos, threes, fours, sixes, and nines. And now that's not to say that sevens and fives and eights don't care at all.
Sevens certainly like to stay, you know, energetic and upbeat so people will think they're fun and exciting, but I don't see it interfere with the sevens writing decisions quite like it does [00:06:00] with those other types. And we do know that eights are squishy deep down, but they have this internal mechanism that makes the idea of people pleasing kind of repulsive to them because it feels like letting people's opinions of them Control them.
So there's sort of that built in fight back to the eight.
Okay, so I heard this phrase that I want to share with you. It's from one of my favorite podcasts, If Books Could Kill. So one of the hosts, Michael Hobbs, introduced me to the expression of bitch eating crackers. And I think about it all of the time. I think about this all the time. It's basically when you get to the point where you detest someone so much that even if they're doing absolutely nothing annoying at all, like just eating crackers, you'd still be like, look at this bitch eating crackers.
I've certainly been there with people and I'm sure people have been there with me. Positive. And I think it's important to recognize that when we get to the bitch eating crackers point with anyone, that's on [00:07:00] us. They might be doing some things that we don't agree with, but the responsibility for how strongly we detest them, that contempt that we feel for them, is our responsibility to sort through, not theirs.
So this is the place where I like to start doing the work on wanting people to like me. When we can take radical responsibility for our feelings with others in this way, then a natural side effect is that we start to understand that the way people feel about us. Is radically their responsibility, but we can't have it both ways.
We can't say that it's the responsibility of the bitch eating crackers to make sure we don't hate him, but then also want to feel like it's the responsibility of others to not feel contempt for us when we're simply. Eating crackers, right? So being consistent here matters. Take that responsibility for your feelings on yourself.
And that will help remind you that other people's feelings, even about you, are their responsibility. When we start to own that our feelings about others [00:08:00] are more reaction to our beliefs about ourselves than, you know, any great indictment about other people. Then we start to unburden ourselves. Of the weight of trying to make other people feel a certain way about us.
That ain't our job. And we couldn't do it if we tried. Have you ever tried to win over someone who really loathes you? If they're at all at the bitch eatin crackers level, everything nice you do for them will be transformed into ammunition against you in their heart. So at a certain point, you owe it to yourself to stop giving your precious attention to them.
And speaking of attention, our attention is one of the most limited and precious resources we have. And in this day and age of social media and the internet and, you know, phones being at our fingertips all the time, there's a battle being waged for your attention. It's a hot commodity. And yet we don't always [00:09:00] give a whole lot of conscious thought to where we're letting our attention flow.
When it comes to wanting people to like us, this can become a big problem for authors. I can't tell you how many authors I see who are giving more attention to trying to win over their critics. So you can see that there's a lot more to it than connecting with and pleasing their fans. When your fear that people won't like you really sinks its claws in, what happens is that the people who already like you stop holding much interest for you.
They're not the threat to be neutralized anymore. So once you feel confident that they like you, it's on to the next, on to the next, and then the next. And this is what I would define as craving. So it's motivated by fear and it's essentially a game we can never win. It's usually best to not play it.
I like to assume that most of my critics are at Bitch Eatin Crackers level with me anyway. If you spend your attention on those people and neglect the readers and fans who [00:10:00] already love you, you're not going to have any of those readers and fans for long. You're gonna neglect them. They're gonna disappear.
So a great trick to rewire your brain to flow less easily towards critics is to start to notice When you're thinking about people who don't like you or worrying that so and so won't like you if you publish this scene or whatever. So the trick to that is to notice that you're doing it and say, either to yourself or aloud:
What can I do today to strengthen my connection with the people who do like me?
When we forget to strengthen that connection with people who like us, then our bodies forget that anyone likes us. We feel like we're fighting for scraps at that point. And then we get caught in the fighting cycle of trying to win over people who have, frankly, no obligation to like us. Let me just drop this reality real quick.
The person you respect most [00:11:00] in the world has people who hate them. That's just a fact of life. People pleasing or the need to be liked by everyone is a form of perfectionism. Perfectionism is simply the pattern of focusing your attention on what isn't rather than what is. It's incompatible with gratitude in that way.
When we want to make sure that everyone likes us, we end up focusing on those who don't like us and forget about those who do our attention's limited. So we have to choose between those two groups to focus our attention on. And that's perfectionism. And so long as you don't pledge to take steps against that perfectionist pattern and intentionally redirect your focus from what isn't.
To what is at every opportunity you get, you will miss out on opportunities for gratitude, and not feeling deep gratitude for your readers is the fastest way to lose them.
So I think I've made a [00:12:00] compelling logical and maybe even moral argument for why we want to try to redirect our focus. When the fear is telling us otherwise, but knowing logically and then the deep sense of knowing nosis, it's sometimes called are two different things. When we know something deeply, we do it.
I know my teeth will brought out of my head if I don't brush and floss, so I brush and floss without anyone nagging me about it. Meanwhile, I know that I need eight to nine hours of sleep every night to feel my best, and yet. I don't always carve out the time to do that, so as much as I hate to admit it, the reality is that I clearly don't deeply know that eight to nine hours of sleep is needed, or else I would be going to bed earlier instead of answering emails at 11 p.m. because it's usually the only time I have to do that. I'd be choosing to disappoint more people who don't hear from back for me in anything resembling a timely manner. I'd be choosing to disappoint them so that I could get that sleep if I truly knew that.
[00:13:00] to truly know something, we have to take the knowledge of one of our three centers, the head, the heart or the body. And get the other two centers on board, what's sometimes called integration. Your heart is probably still saying, But I want to be liked, why don't they love me? About the critics. I think of my heart center as this sweet little child who's just trying to make sense of this harsh world.
And so like, when I think of it like that, I speak to my heart as if it were. Um, a sweet little child, sometimes I can't explain to my heart why things are the way they are. So instead I just say, I know it hurts. I hear you. And that often helps me lean into the feelings and just feel them rather than suppressing them with whatever kind of judgment, you know, saying I deserve to feel it.
Do I deserve to feel this way? Is this a logical feeling to have? If you're feeling a certain way, it's a logical feeling to have. It's functioning on heart logic, not brain logic though. [00:14:00] It's logical, and it's usually best not to call our heart crazy.
It's difficult to get our heart on board with anything if we're calling it crazy and gaslighting it. So there's this evolutionary need to be liked and accepted, too. For most of human history, that was the way we didn't starve or die of exposure. We've developed attachment in our brain because it makes sure that we don't wander off and die.
And instead, we stick around with our attachments, contribute to the collective safety and survival, and breed, breed, breed, right? By the way, I am so grateful to all of my ancestors who did all of that breeding so that I could be here today enjoying my child free life. Anyway, rational thinking alone won't overcome the impulse to be liked.
It's biological to some extent, and that's great. , you know, it's helped us get this far, but even evolutionary needs [00:15:00] can get a little out of hand, and people pleasing patterns are what happens when that happens., when it goes too far. So, this need to be liked, it will interrupt our ability to write and publish books if these patterns become too dug in for us and we don't try and detach them a little bit.
I'm not telling you to read this. Never to be hurt when someone posts negative reviews or when another author decides you're not worthy of being part of their click or whatever. That will hurt. I don't know that we want to set the expectation that it won't hurt. It will hurt. What I'm telling you is that there are always ways to make loving decisions for yourself and your career while living in that hurt that don't involve attempting to win over people who don't care about you.
It'll probably take practicing the techniques of shifting your attention that I mentioned. And also a practice of listening to and comforting your heart.
It might also take some movement or [00:16:00] meditation practice to tell your body that you're safe, that you won't be cast out of the tribe if you decide to write, like, a spicy scene, say, that some folks take issue with. And I use that example to show that sometimes even these little choices that, in the grand scheme of things, seem so small can really trigger this deep fear, right?
But at the end of the day, it's just a spicy scene. Okay, are we warmed up yet? Are we feeling contemplative? Are we feeling brave? Are we feeling open to some new concepts? Cool. Let's talk about our parents. As many of you probably know, or could easily guess, My parents are not huge fans of what I write. My mom especially does not vibe with the Jessica Christ series.
My dad did read the first book and then explained the Judeo Christian themes in it to me, which was very nice because I obviously hadn't even thought about that as I wrote the book. Yeah, [00:17:00] didn't think about it for a second. Uh, but basically that's the dynamic. My mom doesn't approve of my fiction and my dad will read it and then give me notes on what I should have done differently.
So, yes, this does still make my eye twitch, but generally, I think it's just kind of hilarious and silly. And I don't write for my parents. They're not my ideal reader. My ideal reader is someone who loves my stuff, essentially.
I know so many authors who have chosen the genre and content of their books based on what their parents would approve of. And these are adults who pay their taxes, have mortgages, and they're still making these decisions. Based on what their parents would think of it. So, yes, it's very common. I was, frankly, lucky enough to know that nothing my parents would approve of would be even close to anything I wanted to write.
So, I was sort of spared that option. But still, I [00:18:00] get it. I get it. So, if this sounds true for you, that you think about what your parents would think if you published the book you really wanted to write, and this holds true for people whose parents have passed away, too, then I cannot recommend highly enough that you practice Intentionally disappointing your parents.
Seriously, disappoint them. Their job is to love you unconditionally. And that includes when you publish books that aren't for them.
The dark truth is that our relationship with our family of origin is kind of like this final boss we have to conquer. If you were taught growing up that you needed to be a certain way to receive care from your parents. Um, and then you've internalized that big time and maybe, maybe you'd consider addressing that now while you're an adult, you have the resources.
You probably couldn't do it as a kid. You didn't have the resources, but now you can advocate for that kid and do it as an adult. And this is where a therapist can [00:19:00] be a really great guide. , once you teach your body that you can still be safe and receive care from the universe, if your parents are mad or disappointed in you, you'll likely notice that you care a lot less about those other critics.
Because you'll get at the heart of the fear that started way before some dumb dumb on Instagram with 30, 000 followers could talk shit about your book.
Your task, if it really bothers you to think about people who don't like your book, and don't like you, is to break the illusion you've created for yourself that if you just do X, Y, or Z, and you just do it right, everyone will love you. There is no X, Y, or Z. And you don't need everyone to love you to be safe and have inherent worth.
And now this is me talking to your brain, not so much your body or your heart, but that's maybe where we can start. So years ago, when I was feeling like a terrible daughter for, I don't know, some ridiculous reason, I don't [00:20:00] even remember. , I asked myself to imagine what I thought my parents would consider the ideal daughter.
Who would I have to be for them to give me their full approval? Who would I have to be to make them proud? Now, mind you, this is me. And I'm not going to be talking about this, you know, based on my lived experience and not them telling me what would be their ideal daughter. So I could be wrong here. I could be very wrong.
I may already be their ideal daughter. So that's not really the important thing. The thing is that I didn't feel that way. And so I was asking myself to create the image of what would allow me to feel the ideal daughter. Like I was doing everything right, and could get their approval.
The image of that daughter I would have to be, to avoid the feeling of disappointing them, was a fucking caricature of a person. And one that couldn't have been farther from my true self. The problem is that there may be things that some of our parents will praise us for, [00:21:00] right? There may be something that your parents will approve of, and if you do that thing, you get that praise you've been seeking.
But every bit of praise will keep us hooked and believing that if we just do everything right So, it wasn't that I wasn't disappointing my parents prior to my realization. That I was particularly good at pleasing them. I wasn't. The change I felt was an internal letting go. A liberation, essentially, from considering their feelings about me in my decisions.
So making these concessions to keep people happy may seem harmless enough here and there, but every time we choose to please over choosing to do what feels aligned to who we are, We actually harm our connection to ourselves.
This enough and you'll lose connection with what it is that would please you. If you're struggling to know what you need or desire, then those small transgressions against yourself over [00:22:00] time might be why. There's never a good reason to disconnect from yourself to make someone else more comfortable. How other people feel about you It is theirs to figure out, not yours.
Once I saw that I had no desire to become the type of person who would never fall foul of my parents expectations of me, I felt a deep acceptance that disappointing my parents Would always be a part of my path toward my purpose because my purpose just didn't align with their ideal of a good daughter.
I had this wave of clarity from that exercise and it's it's stuck with me. I disappoint them all the time both then and now. That part hasn't changed. What's changed is who I assign responsibility to for dealing with that disappointment. It's their responsibility to adjust their expectations of me to fit the reality.
It's not my responsibility to repress myself into someone they'll approve of. The same goes for you. Your purpose and your path [00:23:00] will run afoul of a lot of people's expectations of you. That's their problem. I need you to understand that. That is their problem. When a story comes to you, and it's absolutely calling your name to tell it, what clearer sign do you need than that for where you're supposed to be going?
So my answer to the question of, what if people don't like me, is essentially, Some won't, but many will. It's your choice. Who you give that attention to and who you give your attention to will determine how you feel about yourself, the world, and your place in it. So what if you listened to wisdom instead of fear on this?
And one last note for all my authors out there, if your editor doesn't seem to like you or your book all that much, ditch them. Ditch them! Protect your piece. Never hire them again. Go get some sample edits from some new editors and find someone who [00:24:00] seems to love you and your book. Make this one a non negotiable.
If you have any anxiety at all about people not liking you, working with an editor who doesn't like you, is the best way to turn that fear up to 11 for no good reason at all. There's no good reason. There's no benefit to having an editor who doesn't seem to absolutely support you. Having an editor who hypes you up, who gives you generous assumptions when your sentences make no sense at all, that's coming from personal experience, , having an editor that feels like they're on your team to make the book as brilliant and powerful as it can be while remaining your vision, That's the best chance you can give yourself to feel confident publishing that book and pushing it out into a world full of critics.
Yes, full of critics, but also lots of fans and future fans. So that's it for this episode of What If For Authors. If you want to reach out to me, you can email me [00:25:00] at contact@ffs.media. Emails for people who think of me as a bitch eating crackers can be sent to thatsnice@ffs.media. I'm Claire Taylor.
And thanks for listening. I hope you liked the show. God, I hope you did. Ah, if you didn't, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Oh no. Anyway, I hope you come back for the next episode. See you then.